Worship

It was daylight, a bright summer day and I was in a state of what I call “calm shock” where everything seems foggy and gray, but you are still somehow going through the motions of life. I was driving with my babies on that long road of almost nothing but highway between Oklahoma City and Amarillo. Although I had driven on this road hundreds of times over the last 20 years, everything was different. The world was different. The towns were different. The sights were different. I was different.

My mama was gone.

I was on my way home again after just getting back from visiting her. I had just left her house the day before yesterday; had just leaned over her bed and hugged her, kissing her cheek and telling her “I’ll see you soon.” She passed away the very next day. I had already lost my dad years ago and for the first time in my life, I was nobody’s daughter.

I had never lived in a world without my mom and deep down inside my shattered heart, I knew my life would never be the same. My mind raced and whirled as I went back and forth between helping my 5- and 2-year-old with whatever they needed from me while trying to drive and thinking about planning the funeral and not wanting to think about the funeral and all of the crazy thoughts that jump around in your head after a loss. I was a single mom going through a divorce, so having to navigate putting on a happy face for my babies and taking care of their needs while dying on the inside had become somewhat of a norm for me but this, like everything else, was different. I felt terrified when I thought about living in a world that no longer had my mom in it.

Those first few days of grief are so sporadic. You can go from laughing at something cute your babies said or funny memories to gut-wrenching pain to panic to just being numb in a matter of minutes. All of those raw emotions were running wild through me as I drove, when a song came on the radio that will forever be burned in my memory. It was a song I knew well, but this time, like everything else for me that day, it was different.

All the weak find their strength At the sound of Your Great Name Hungry souls receive grace At the sound of Your Great Name.

The fatherless, they find their rest At the sound of Your Great Name The sick are healed, and the dead are raised At the sound of Your Great Name.

The fatherless, they find their rest….

Suddenly, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit surround me with comfort in a way I can’t even explain, and I began singing as the tears flooded my face:

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb That was slain for us, Son of God and Man You are high and lifted up that all the world Will praise Your great name Oh, your great name.

I worshipped, right there driving in the car, engulfed in pain while my babies watched their movie. We don't normally think of worship as something you do when you’re hurting. When I think of worship, I think of happiness and joy during an incredible church service. I think of feeling thankful for my good God for all of the blessings He’s given me. I think of so many other things besides death. But that day, I began to worship my Father in a way I never have before. I worshipped Him for no other reason than who He is, and in a single act of worship lasting no longer than the 3 or 4 minutes of the song, God told me so many things.

I am loved.

I am not alone.

I am NOT nobody’s daughter.

He held me up that day in the car when everything was falling apart. He promised He would never leave me, no matter how many people in this world had to leave. I had no idea there were still more deaths to come, but I can tell you with everything in me that He has held true to that promise over and over when the waves of death kept coming and knocking me back down.

When you hurt, worship. When you have peace, worship. When you are struggling, worship. When you are blessed, worship. When everything is falling apart, worship. This world is but a vapor; but the Lord? He is eternal; His Word is eternal; His LOVE is eternal. He will never change, no matter what looks different or changes on this earth. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. And He is more than worthy of our praise.

Jesus The name of Jesus You are high and lifted up and all the world Will praise Your great name.

“At this Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. ‘” - Job 1:20-21